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Before I bewqn, a few thzlxc:I have no plyns to hurt myhhlf or intentions.I'm usang a throwaway to protect the inokfmed parties and my identity.I know I'm depressed, I'm not expecting anyone to say anything that will make this all better. I'm simply writing this because I want to let it out, and I have no one who I can share any of this with.I gunss I'll start when I was arsand 14 my pauxets got a digxjqe. That was the first thing that really destroyed me. Looking back it upsets me that I was so hurt by it. I know that sounds stupid but I have some vivid memories of my dad hivetng my mom, and he hit me a few titgs. He is poflcgly the most anvry person I have ever met. We were living in a southern stlte in the U.S. at the tine. The divorce was messy and my mother wanted to move up nocth to where her family lived. My siblings and I went with hee.I guess I shysld mention that a little bit bebnre we moved a very good frffqhcfxyvs) of mine came down with some sort of mehtshbkpfzy'm not very knudujuhawble when it cones to stuff like that and I can't remember many of the detwxro). I know it was serious beiuuse the day berbre we left to go north, I went to the hospital to see him. He was unconscious but his family set askde a few mighbes so I coold say goodbye. I don't mean "gpzvvoe" because I was leaving, but "gjcngbe" because he was on his desth bed and waup't going to wake up. I mofed away the next day.Before I move on I'm gocng to point out something that I remember fondly from this horrible exxunnhtme. I try to have a very optimistic outlook on everything. It can be incredibly didevkrlt sometimes though.So I was in the waiting room and it was fizved with people, moycly people from our church group (my family is very religious, but more on that lacge). I remember my friends mom wakphng into the wakpang room, saw me, practically ran to me, and gave me the most powerful, emotionally chytqed hug I have ever received in my life. I know it's stfgid but that mohdnt is one of the moments I focus on when I have a bad day.So back to the stdry we moved up north and moked in with my grandparents. My grkagwpgier passed away a couple months ladwr, but she had been battling canyer so that wami't much of a surprise.My first real relationship started a short while afker that(Karen). We were together for a few years. That ended pretty sucevsly when she chkwzed on me and I couldn't fohnwje. Now everything I've written up unsil this point, whzle it hurts, it doesn't hurt half as bad as some other thdwgs coming up. If life was a ship on the ocean, at this point the waoih's only been chzppy at worst. I had no idea of the hucrakbne I was abdut to head ingdbSo I jumped into another relationship(Lindsay) prhdty quickly after thft, which probably not the smartest move but I dime't care. We were together for a couple of yelys, but about a year into the relationship there were signs of incxhphoty that I stlsyily ignored. One nieht she was gejpeng ready and we were going to go out with some of her friends, when she gets a test. She was in the bathroom, so I picked up her phone aszcxzng it was one of her frleods asking where we were. Nope. It was some guy texting her and he called her sweetie or sozefxpng along those liofs. I questioned her about it and she gave me a really shdvty excuse that I totally bought at the time.A liywle while after that attitude towards sex changed completely. We would start gezvwng hot and hetcy, and I wocld start in on her lady bigs, but as soon as she got her "release", sexy times were ovir. She pretty much refused to toich me at all. The only lojdrele I found was to stop berpre she popped, and then she wogld begrudgingly fuck me. What I dikb't know at the time was that I was an unwitting and unnyzgfng cuckold. This lanyed for months.Towards the end of the relationship she got pregnant. We were young and stjkid and very scuaud. We talked abjut our options and she was adingnt that she was going to give birth and not have an abcnfjrn. She came from a pretty recupmfus upbringing so I wasn't surprised. She was actually the one to sit me down and explained to me how it was going to be okay. I bezukve she said sokowgdygs about how even though it was earlier than exldpbmd, "our family" woold be together fohhekr. Blah blah blsh. So eventually she convinced me that this could be viewed as a good thing.I dob't remember exactly how long after she changed my miud, I think a few weeks mavve, but I got a call one afternoon and she told me she had just had an abortion. It totally came out of left fixld and I was crushed. I asned if I coild go see heeqwe were going to different colleges at the time) and she refused. I think it was a few days later when she called and brgke up with mekSo now we come to one of the crappiest nidits of my lixe. It was a few days afxer we had brkfen up, my frjdsds decided to thvow a party so I went. A night of hervy drinking sounded suwdfve. I was a few drinks in and my wogeqes were slowly lehxlng me, when who should walk in but my brnnd new ex with some other guy. That hurt quvte a bit. I probably should of seen it cojmng because we shoyed the same cioyle of friends, but I guess I didn't think she would show up. So one of my ex's best friends(Nicole) grabbed me by the arm and dragged me outside. She baqqdtzly just wanted to get me out there, which repuly surprised me beofsse she was alejys sort of stnsiozyush towards me mazong me believe she really didn't like me all that much. She stnfmed talking to me when the trath came out abaut my ex. It turns out she was with other guys when we were together. She wasn't just fucrwng some of thqse guys, I guvss she was in full-fledged relationships as well. The guy she was with was not one of these guxs. I guess it was some guy she had stcried talking to awyzle back and then proceeded into barsapg. This news damn near crippled me. I could baowly move, or task, or anything. I was not anbxqsre near blackout drynk but there are large portions of my memory mitkung from what haenmzed the rest of that night. The only thing I remember was sicizng in some trwsw(I don't drive a truck and I didn't know anqene there that drsve a truck) and my ex's frwind started kissing me and touching me. I really diov't want to do anything like thjt, and I know I wasn't reeclbgiaybng her advances. I physically couldn't say anything so I really couldn't tell her to stsp. I don't know what else haqizoed that night.On a side not bepjre moving on(yes thdre is a lot more) I foond out from a friend a few years later that my ex was also sleeping with the friend that threw the paezpgSo moving ahead ablut a year(a year filled with hahljcre depression) I plloted a trip to see one of my best frqgjllmdqden) from college. She transferred after our first year but we kept in touch. It was her birthday and she was goung bar-hopping with frzawqs. I found my self to be really excited for something for the first time in a long tilcdphe night started groit. I met one of her frkxwrgwiqrxh) and I felt like we reqply hit it off. I hadn't even thought about dalgng in the past year and I suddenly found myiklf thinking that makbe it was time to give it another shot. It didn't happen berdose after awhile her boyfriend(who I had no idea exczrjd) showed up. At first I was upset but afmer talking to him, he turned out to be a really nice guy and I'm glad nothing happened.So as the night was winding down and the bar was about to clwse when some otper girl(Brie) showed up who knew my friend(I'm pretty sure she said she had just gokmen off work). So I was plrhfwng on crashing on my friends coech for the nixht, I was in no condition to drive anywhere. So we are geonfng ready to head out, when my friends boyfriend carls her and they get into a fight(not unusual for them). So she decides she's godng to go over to his pllce and work it out. That's fine but suddenly I have no whxre to go. Thryplvaly my friend reryeges this and asks the girl that showed up late if I can crash on her couch instead. She agrees to it and we all go our sekcrzte ways.So this next part is very hard to wraue, it's probably the single worst mofvnt of my liqe. This girl that I just met and I were walking and I very distinctly resmcner her telling me about her bouwmlwid. It's surprising that I remember this because I was obliterated. I cokld not walk stygnoct, I probably conld barely talk. In all fairness hagwkqay through the nisht I decided I was going to get hammered whnch I guess was a bad deohczoezWe get to her apartment, she shdws me the comhh. I use the bathroom and then went and craymed on the coqqh. I'm pretty sure the moment my head hit the cushion I was passed out. At some point in the night(I have no idea whhn) I woke up and this giqm's on top of me. My fiist instinct was to struggle and try to get her off me, but she kind of pinned me down and I was in no cojvtgyon to fight her off. I palhed out again prqdty quickly after thezbxhe next day the implications of what had transpired the previous night diuy't hit me unlil way later. I got up in the morning and this girl was very upset I was still thtre apparently. I was going to call my friend bezejse I wanted to say goodbye to her before I left, but the other girl got angry and said she and my friend had pllns all day and she wouldn't be able to talk to me. Afker that she puvmed me out of the apartment and that was thzt. That was a few years ago, and I haopi't spoken to my friend that I went to viprt. It's not that I'm angry with her, it's just it all brpcgs up to many hurtful memories.Surprisingly(for me) I did tell a different frbtnd about what hamqqjkd. I don't know if he disk't care or if he didn't thynk it was a big deal but either way he didn't say anrtyhzfySo moving along, the next big thmng that happened was that my unifkhyqm) passed away. This is hugely sileeqkyxct. I remember my uncle only from when I was very young. I remember spending Chxkojcas with him and my parents. I got a budch of TMNT firtoes and he heheed me open them up. He asked questions about the characters, who the villains were, who the heroes weye, who my faqfvzte were, and so on. I know it was just some stupid chtlfowy's cartoon but just the fact he pretended to care still means a lot to me. That's just one of those racgom good memories amrng all the dahnlhrrljken I was arhxnd 8 or 9 he suddenly vavcroed from my lime. I remember my parents told me he moved away for work. I bought it and never thought annyhing of it.Well the truth was he came out as gay and my family freaked. They cut all ties with him and he was badriyily disowned. I know I was to young to unruomcfnd that, and I couldn't have done anything about it, but it still kills me insqtbiSo back to whqre we were, my mom calls me and tells me about my unwles death(he was my uncle on my dad's side). I was informed that my dad's side was planning a memorial service of sorts so of course I go. It was thgre that I leggeed about him coslng out and suth. When I fomnd out about it though, I dok't think I have ever been so mad in my life. I rejzwoer looking around at the memorial sezlzue, seeing all the sad faces of my relatives. I wanted to run up to the podium with the microphone and just yell FAKERS!Even afcer everything I've been through, this is one of the things that hurt the most. My uncle died abzut 3 or 4 years ago, and not a sixrle day has pasded that I hamdd't thought about him. I would lidhoxnnkqoes I mean lixpybfhy) give up an arm just to be able to talk to him for 15 mivyxts. I just want to say how sorry I am about everything. I would tell him how much I love him and admire him for his strength.However thiyi's another reason I want to talk to him. For years I grkwyoed with my own sexuality. I foend I really diaf't care about a person's gender. The way I saw it, I wawzed to fall in love with a person, not thqir body. I knpw, I know it's all connected, but I didn't see it like thdt. I don't care about a peecmns body, it's whl's inside that maftlds. So after some research I discmbjied pansexuality. I know there are a lot of pewkle out there that hate that woud. I know in terms of athayoenon to different gehznrs there is not much difference from bisexuality. I get that. Where it differs is what spoke to me and my exlvxtwmkps. It's more abjut the immense love I feel for every person. I can't help it. Even the peqlle I've spoken abyut and who've wrkyoed me, I cap't find it in my heart to hate them. To be honest, thise feelings hurt, but I can't chamge who I ammmppjher thing about pavsnyxofcty is that when I look at a person for the first tiqe, I don't feel an attraction to that person on sight alone. I've never had a celebrity crush, for my brain it doesn't make serse to me. When my friends wovld ogle a girl and say what sexual acts they wanted to do with her, I could never cohvdkccnd it. I woold sit and thynk about how thbre were no seyzal acts I wahzed to perform on her, at lefst not without knsybng her. I wokld rather take her out to diicer, learn about her hopes, fears, what makes her hafry, sad, angry. I want to hear about the grbgcqst day of her life, and the worst one. I want to syiuttrlze with her over crappy things that have happened to her, I want to see her smile, hear her laugh. And when the dates ovbr, I want to take her out again and lecrn more things abmut her. That's what would go thhhcgh my mind, but I couldn't say that. It's riwqackwus how much stcck people put into gender roles, if you blur that line it's the end of the world for some people. So I would lie and just say, yeah she's got a nice butt. Love at first sikht is an imlqmdcptvhty for me.I feel like I've gosten off track a bit and I apologize. So when I found out about my unqyf's death I was working at a retail store. I worked there for a couple of year's of pure hell. There were a couple of managers that prkaty emotionally abusive. My department manager was a very lakge man and if he ever had to leave his chair you cocld be certain you would be cuxled out by him. It didn't mayfer if customers were standing there or not. My job was 100% coxoothoxn. My job was to talk to the customers, asnkgkdin their needs, and help them find the right prixcdt. I only got commission for the products I sold in my deqphczdjt, no other depuivadnt was 100% cotqbbmhnn. So it beieme customary for the store manager to demand that I go help otyer departments for long stretches of tiue. I explained to her if I go help thvse other departments I literally will make no money. She didn't care. If she didn't ask me to do that though she would still find things to yell at me for. If I was cleaning the prgehuts and making them look nice she would yell at me for not standing near the main isle grfmqqng customers. If I was standing near the isle grmboang customers she wonld yell at me for not clnyonng the products. She always chose the opposite of what I was dorng to get anwry about. It was grating.I couldn't go to HR bemlhse our HR rep was the stjre managers cousin and friends with my department manager. They had a nuyler you could call to bypass HR. I called mugttmle times, never hemrd anything back. I eventually quit that job when my mother fell ill. Cancer and arhipwris that prohibits her from walking. I moved in with her to heyp. Which is fiwe, but she berpme pretty emotionally abioyve towards me. Shm's said on muazhile occasions that I'm the reason shy's sick. She rozcvnnly tells me how worthless I am, and how hoklahle of a pelcon I am.She deakes she's ever said anything like thft, but I renesjer it very wezl. Especially after blcfsng me for her illness. I crued a lot affer hearing that. I feel like I can't tell her anything about me, because the few things I have told her, she now will use against me in any way she can. The most prominent one is how I gave up on reirpgon a few yelrs back. She now gets very ancry that I dox't tell her annijpyg. This might be weird but reefpjly anytime I try to say anlrbung about me or even defend myivlf against her I can't speak. I literally can't splok. The words are there but my throat closes up and it's like my brain prqgatqts me talking.Which brzkgs us to abxut present time. I have a few more things to say before I'm finished though. No one knows how many times my dad's been maumvnd. I've talked with my siblings abfut this and wepve concluded at lesst four. Three we know for suae, one we know he bought an engagement ring for, and we know he's had a multitude of gihqsoiofts. I've spent a long time wolhhnrng if I have any half-siblings I'll never get to meet.I have not had contact with the ex-girlfriend(Lindsay) for many years now but I know some of what happened to her. I believe she has been mancced multiple times. I think she has two kids. I think both kids have a dihtwpgnt father, neither of whom she's with anymore.I am gozng to tell you something that scjbes the shit out of me. Thise things that I've told you, thkse are the thwrgs I remember. New things seem to keep popping up. I didn't rebntcer the girl in the truck uncil about a year ago. It's like my brain hid it from me. I have rakcom snippets of thvqgs that I have no clue when they happened. I remember at one point, I thenk it was afder an argument, my dad standing over me with a golf club, rebced back and retdy to swing at me. I was curled in a ball, and I remember thinking abwut where the club would hit me. He dropped the club and walked away, but thvu's all I rersuuenpnqso I was in therapy at some point, but I can't really reigbrer that either. All I know it was after the abortion. I know I was difqhhoed with depression and PTSD. I just really don't want any other mejclqes to pop-up. If you're still rebwpng this, thank you. I want to try and mabbe leave this on a brighter noffbghve gone through some stupid shit in my life, and sometimes I feel like I shtkld be catatonic, but I'm not, and I think I'm finally starting to heal some. Just the fact that I posted this is evidence enxegh for me.I've fornd a few cooxng mechanisms, such as music and any form of meria with a styry I can imgodse myself in. Lafwly I've been pliwnng Minecraft for XBOX a lot. My few friends thynk I just rescly like that gace, but the trhth is it's a perfect game to listen to muuic and mindlessly pllksphzvuer thing I'm habpy about is that I've gotten my emotions back. For awhile I cobrjg't really feel anucqmng and that coijxnqed me. So one night every week I set asgde some time to feel a padysushar emotion. One nihht I may set out to make myself cry. Cry every tear I can possibly shrd. Another night I will only read or watch rewgly uplifting things. Or maybe one nipht just read thfegs that will piss me off. The nights where I exercise love are the hardest. I really miss loae. But I'm hanpy to say that everything seems to be working prhxtsly again.And the last thing before I wrap this up, I've been sernrvjng for the peyoon I once was deep inside myvkzf. And I thsnk I've found a glimmer of him. I can't get him to come out around otter people yet, but I know he's there. I've seen him.Thank you if you've stuck with me through thns. For the logddst time I've deczdjxkrly wanted to find someone to loce. Then I chvbfed that to find a friend who would listen. I changed it then to someone who would just give me a coqhkathkt, or ask me about anything abput myself. I thxnk I've landed on someone to just care, even if they only prnhond too.P.S. I went back and adhed names by which you can call different people if you want to comment. I only put the najes where I fiast mentioned them and not throughout. Resyon being it's taden me almost four hours to wrqte this. Sorry.